- Thou shalt honor thy mummy and daddy, for they control thine inheritance, and grow not hair upon thy face, for it displeaseth them to look upon it.
- Thou shalt not wear unnatural fibers, excepting that it be Polar Fleece, nor shalt thou adorn thy neck or hands with bling.
- Thou shalt not wear cargo pants; neither shalt thou wear a fanny pack nor a belt hang down, for such things maketh thee to resemble the heathen.
- Thou shalt wear natural shouldered sport coats with the blessed 3/2 roll and cuffed plain front pants, for the Lord despiseth pleats, which are the work of the Devil.
- Thou shalt not wear seersucker before Memorial Day nor after Labor Day, for reverence of summer pleaseth the Lord.
- Thou shalt not eat meat with a salad fork; neither shalt thou drink water from thy finger bowl, for such things are an abomination.
- Thou shalt not add ice to thy Scotch, for it doth please the Lord that the golden nectar shouldst be consumed neat, and uncorrupted.
- Thou shalt write thank you notes to those who sendest thee gifts, for good manners are pleasing in the sight of the Lord and encourageth future gifting.
- Thou shalt not abide in the realm of NASCAR races, for such things doth attract the Philistines, who wear neither shirt nor shoes, and leadeth thee in the paths of unpreppiness.
- Thou shalt neither dwell in a monster mansion nor commit other vulgar displays of wealth; for thou shalt live unseen by the heathen, reveling in the simple joys of popped collars and critter embroidered pants all the days of thy life. Amen.
Amendment to the 4th Commandment – The Scottish Exception
Though the Lord doth look upon pleated pants for men to be the work of the Devil, His countenance doth look favorably upon pleated kilts worn by those of Scottish descent. The Lord doth look most favorably upon this practice for family tartans. Verily, I tell you that His mercy extendeth even unto to young ladies, though they be not of Scottish descent, at boarding schools with dress codes that requireth kilts.